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What it’s like for an adult child to learn of her father after 47 years. 1 week and counting…

January, 20th 2024 12:27pm

"An Adult Child" That is the best way I can explain how I feel as an adult who is just about to embark on a journey to finally discover herself".

One week from today I will travel three hours to where one of my newly found first cousins vacations in Florida. I have never met her or anyone on my father's side. Including my father. My mother kept him from me my whole life and it wasn't until my daughter did #23andMe about 2 years ago, that I even began to believe that I would ever find out something I so desperately wanted to know.

When she told me she had matched with a second cousin I was slightly interested but honestly I wasn't overly excited. I had a lot going on in my life at the time and I don't know, I just didn't jump at it like I imagined I would.

Then a year later something in me said it was time and I asked my daughter to reach out to this cousin of ours. When she went to her #23andMe app she saw a message from a month or so ago from this cousin who seemed interested in learning more about us as well. And we got back in touch.

So, if she is my daughter's second cousin then she must be my first cousin. My daughter also matched with another relative of this cousin so she knew that it was her father's side of the family that we were looking at not her mother's. Her father has 2 brothers so one of her uncles has to be my father.

My daughter, stepdaughter and I started scouring the internet and social media platforms searching for our newly found relatives. We spent days on Facebook, Instagram and the internet comparing pictures of family members to pictures of me and my children. We looked up the men themselves, Aunts, Uncles Cousins, grandparents. It is a HUGE Upstate New York family.

We read the obituary of my Grandfather and daughter's Great Grandfather and we also read the obituaries of the two men. Yes, the two men that to this day I'm not sure which of them are my father as both are deceased.

I was crushed. 💔

This cousin let's call her Jane, said that we would know for sure if I would take the #ancestrydna test as more of our family had taken that than the 23andme. I had purposely not taken any of those tests because I'm not one for giving anyone my dna but my desire to know was greater than my desire to stand my ground. Besides I know where I'm going I'm not afraid of this world. So I did it.

Well I didn't just do it. I let it sit on my table for a week. Then I followed the directions on the box sealed it up and got it ready to mail. Then I let it sit for another week.

One of my potential fathers didn't have any kids and the other one had three kids, a family. Do I want to be the one who ruins the memories of a father of three kids with their own kids. Do I want to be the kid of the lady that grandpa cheated on grandma with? Please don't let that be the case 🙏. I'm not sure I can take that.

So I let it sit... then one day I just grabbed it off the table and mailed it.

I eagerly awaited the results. Then they came...

I didn't have a clue what I was doing on that ancestry app! It's not easy to understand what they are trying to tell you on there. I finally fumbled through it and to my horror it said that my father was my stepfather! Even as I am writing this my heart is in my throat and so is my stomach.

That feeling of complete horror is nothing like I've felt in many many years. My body, mind and spirit felt crushed. Like I had just smacked into a wall going 500 miles an hour, face first.

I need a breather.

I'll be continuing this on my journey.

Like I was saying, the ancestry website said that my stepfather was my biological father I don't want to go into the reason that freaked me out so badly at the moment as I do not want to go dredging up all of that trauma right before I go walking into whatever I'm walking into this weekend and the days after that.

I will say that the ancestry website only says my stepfather is my father because I guess my mother filled in those blanks he didn't actually take the dna test himself. Thank you God, I could not have handled that.

5 more days and I meet my cousin...



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