Our son graduated 8th grade today. I got 10 minutes with him before he was wisked away with his dad's family.
I used that alone time after he left to walk the grounds of the elementary school and reminisce of a time not so long ago when I was allowed to be a mommy.
All the families were gone by now and it was only me there.
I sat on the swings where I used to push my babies and where they used to bicker over who could swing next to me. I just sat there feeling hopeless and alone. I couldn't stop myself from crying like a child.
It was bittersweet yet very haunting to be there without them and to look around seeing no children. No teachers no sounds it was eerie.
Feelings of emptiness washed over me. Is this it now? This is all that is left of my motherhood. This empty void and haunting visual before me.
It was in this very moment I could feel the nostalgia of a time when I thought I couldn't wait for them to get older. I was always ready for the next chapter to begin. Every small thing was just a lesson for me rather than a special moment which would stay with me forever.
It haunts me now as I sit in this swing that once was a happy Place.
Now I cringe at how my ignorance was blinding me back then. I thought they would stay small forever. How I would give anything to just step back in time and do it all again only this time I would soak in EVERY moment.
It's such a strange and lonesome time now. I feel as if I have been thrown into a different dimension and I am never allowed to go back to the world from which I came.
It feels as if I am being punished and I'm no longer permitted to be a part of my old life or say that I am their mother. It's like I have been sentenced to a lifetime of only looking in on tiny glimpses of my children's lives.
I am an empty nester but without the joy of guiding them away from the nest.
I don't know how to comprehend all of this. I guess I never will....
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