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I am not my past. My past should not dictate my parental rights either

I am a 52 yr old mother of 5. Two daughters and a son which are all adult. I also have a set of 16yr old twin sons. 

13 yrs ago I found myself in trouble with the law over my poor choices. This was my first time ever being in trouble. At that time I lost my boys to the system.

They were only had a cps case for a couple of months.  I served my time in jail and completed all of my requirements to get off probation. I have since reduced my felony child endangerment charge to a misdemeanor. After I got out of jail I went to a treatment facility for 6 months. I did have visitation with the boys at the treatment center.  After treatment I moved into transitional housing in my city.

My visitation order was every other weekend from Friday to Sunday.  I had to meet half way which was atleast an hour drive. I had no vehicle and started a relationship that would turn out to be abusive. I had my visits for several months and the abuse started. He was abusing me in front of the boys. I left that housing and went to a women's shelter in my town. Continuing visits and the abusive relationship.  I decided I needed to get my life in order to provide healthy and safe visits. I wrote their dad a letter and put a hold on my visits until I could get things in order. I called them but they were 3 at the time, new house, new toys, a new dog...they didn't want to talk to ME. So I focused on myself.

I secured a restraining order on my abuser. Secured housing, moving in as a roommate with a friend. It took me about 1-2 yrs but I did it. I began making my calls to start visits and was hit with no answer. No text. Nothing. Depression hit hard. The years painfully passed. Each birthday I would post on Facebook a little message to them. Hoping they would see it. Mother's Days were especially difficult. I have fantastic relationships with my other kids. They have never all 5 been in the same room at the same time. It's my dream ✨️.

On their birthday in 2023 I decided to search yet again. I FOUND ONE OF THE BOYS!!! I did not contact him out of respect for dad and step mom. I did my due diligence at contacting their dad. Nothing...still. no reply. Family reply. I was trying to keep it out of court. I set a date that I was hoping to hear from him by....nothing. off to the courthouse I went. I filed a modification of visitation.

I went to court on the matter and was referred to mediation. On my way out of the courtroom I was served a is trying to terminate my rights. Claiming abandonment and neglect. He also had MY case moved to his county. We went to mediation. Mediator recommended therapy. I was also able to be invited in to therapy. Why? Because the boys were led to believe that step mom was bio mom. Their dad never told them I existed. I was completely erased from their little lives. I did end up sending a message to one of the boys giving him my name, phone number and the fact I was their bio mom if they wanted to talk.

Dad promptly allowed them to read my arrest and custody documents. Now they want nothing to do with me. I am not trying to take them away from their lives. I just want to have them in my life. If this doesn't happen before 18 who knows how long their hatred for me will pass through their minds. They were lied to. I'd say that the TRUTH is what's in the best interest of the boys.

There have been THREE trial dates set. Each one changed, not by my choice. Everything about this screams PA. I have done so much research on PA I feel like I can represent myself better than anyone out there. Dad has lied thru court documents. Saying I never contacted him but the very next sentence says I did and in what years I did so. I am up against his attorney which happens to be a district attorney for a separate county. I feel I don't have a chance in hell. Prepared for whatever comes in October, definitely open to any outcome. I just want them in my life.

I actually went to watch an athletic match and disguised myself. One walked right by me. 12 yrs it had was the most beautiful sight ever! He is so grown up. I missed out on so much....because their dad erased me. There is alot of fine details in this story I didn't mention. Trust me there are thoughts floating in my head all day and all night. In fact, talking about the abusive relationship and reading about it In my journal from those years caused nightmares and a good amount of depression. 

Thank you for the opportunity to tell my story. I live, breathe, sleep this case. I have been to EVERY court hearing even just date settings. The drive is 2 hrs one way to go to court. They didn't know they had siblings! 

I remain matter what. The Hebrew definition of Abracadabra is "I create as I speak". I am manifesting I will sit in that counseling room with at a time. Answering the questions they have both admitted to having. I did not want my first interaction with them to be tainted with the smell of cigarettes.  So I quit. It's been a couple of months now. I am clean and sober. I have a wonderful significant other for 10 years. I live in the country. I love my life and I want to share the last part of this beautiful life with all of my children. I don't want something to happen and them not know who I am now as a human being. I am not my past. My past should not dictate my parental rights either

The end (or is it?)   :)

-An Alienated Mother



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